Well, lemme tell you...

by Ben Small

Back when I was a kid, so long ago, I dreaded being around old people, not only because they seemed to do nothing but sit around while I developed one new race path around or between their chairs after another. Rocking chairs were my favorite. My father's mother would sit in one. She was quite patient if I miss-timed my roll with her rock and plunged into her lap.

Also, because so many conversations I overheard when older people got together related to complaints about aches and pains. Always. To anybody who'd sit or stand long enough to catch an ear. Well, not necessarily to someone actually listening, but to everyone in proximity who might listen.

Any my grandmother was a pro.

She stands large in both my sister's and my memories for her accomplishments and lessons -- and always has -- but lunch or dinner with my grandmother at Terre Haute's Goody Shop was painful. A college literature professor, she was well-schooled in talking, period. But when our grandmother would order fried chicken, mashed potatoes and peas, we'd wince. After de-skinning, a process that might take an hour if on a roll, that woman would shred each torn-off piece of chicken, carefully selected of course, until she had just the right mix of meat and sauce, and then often put the fork down to discuss some new ache or pain. And then she'd go on often until one of us had to physically pick up her fork and stuff it back into her mitt. She'd remix, and the story would go on. And don't start me on the peas. One by one, each personally selected and dressed with the proper mixture of sauces, both gravy and cranberry.

Tick, tick, tick...

My grandmother's Goody Shop meal would take over three hours. And she wasn't French. For two teenage kids doing the faithful go-visit-your-grandmother chore, we considered these meals boredom endurance tests. Fast eaters both, she and I would fidget, squirm and stare each other down or flash cut-throat hand signals if one of us dared ask a question. By time a Goody Shop - Grandma meal concluded, my sister and I would be hungry again.

Right. Our little secret.

We'd hear about all my grandmother's aches and pains and those of her sister, a woman who married my father's brother. Yep, two brothers married two sisters. My grandfather was gone, but the others survived, and they'd visit every day.

And what would they talk about? Aches and pain. Old ones, almost Groundhog Day-ish, and any collected since...yesterday. Sibling competition. Sort of a Can You Top This, repeated daily.

I'd say that for a kid a visit to Aunt Helen and Uncle John's was more taxing than three hours at the Goody Shop, but at least at my aunt's house my sister and I could play with the old, sleepy dog -- you know, tease the poor thing to under-the-couch relief, where even there we might poke him with a broom, or try to scoot under with him. So, there was some escape.

So now, here I am at 65, my sister 62, and what do we talk about with our friends and family?

Our aches and pains.

Thank goodness, none of us eat fried chicken. I'd fear for my granddaughter and expected grandson.

Computer Wars -- Apple vs. Google

by Ben Small

As someone who recently bit the Apple, the only bitterness I've found to that sweet juice has been the realization that I do not own Apple stock and at these prices cannot afford to buy Apple stock. 

Seriously, over time, I've tired of Microsoft's domination of the PC marketplace. I stopped using Internet Explorer years ago because there were better browsers. But operating systems? I know nothing about computer operating systems, except what I've learned from my Microsoft frustrations. But I know the effects of domination: I'm an antitrust lawyer. Domination kills innovation and customer service and raises prices. Look at Microsoft: You pay for their constant upgrades; you learn that some of its own programs don't play well together; you wade through unhelpful Help suggestions; you get blue screens of death; you get "fixes" every Tuesday; you must move your data back and forth just so you don't lose it next time you upgrade to the next OS upgrade; you get malware and bugs, and you must wrestle with Symantec, McAfee or some other anti-virus program that often doesn't work.

I'm sure you can add to my litany of complaints, but that's not the point. Yes, I finally made the switch -- or am working at it -- to Apple, picking up one of the new MacBook Pros with Retina Display and planning on an iPhone when the new model pops out.

And I'm amazed once more at Steve Job's genius, the intuitive programs and actions, the lack of a need for an antivirus program and the seamless way Apple programs work together. I should have made this transition years ago. And learning curve? What learning curve? One half hour lesson at the Apple Store, and I haven't been back. 

See, even a dummy can make the transition.

But this purchase has also peaked my interest in the lawsuits Apple's been filing and the results they've recently been getting from them. I am a retired lawyer after all, one who has litigated patent claims. So I know the territory, even if I haven't studied the patent claims in the Apple vs. Samsung litigation.

No question, this was a big week for Apple. The Samsung jury verdict was a Google alarm of the first order, and of course not so good for Samsung. For those who didn't notice, Apple won a verdict of over a billion dollars from Samsung last week, one that's likely to be trebled before attorney fees and costs (expected to be in the millions) are also levied. And yes, Apple is attempting to block Samsung's ability to sell some of its phone models in the U.S. 

There are several aspects to the Samsung cases -- there are two -- that particularly interest me. First, the fact that the jury verdict validated Apple's patents. That's now a matter of law; those patents can be enforced. And that's big trouble for anyone else who was thinking of challenging them. Granted, the Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit, the appellate court which hears patent case appeals, could modify or even reverse this verdict, but this was not a normal jury. The jury was drawn from technically savvy San Jose, and the jury apparently understood its job and the patent claims involved. They studied them and reached an informed decision. I expect the decision will hold.

Second, the real target in this lawsuit was Google, who was not even a party. Brilliant action to sue the device maker for selling technology that violates your patents, not the designer of the operating system itself. Which sends a strong message to all manufacturers of devices running Google's Android system: Go ahead: Make your Android phones, and we'll sue you for your profits, our lost profits and we'll block your future sales.

Quite a blow to Android system device manufacturers; quite a blow to Google. I guarantee those who manufacture Android devices are on the phone to Google now.

So sure, Samsung can design around Apple patents, perhaps, somehow change the "Pinch", for instance, to some other form of finger move, but that's extra engineering work of extraordinary complexity and expense. Plus, there may be other patents out there you might infringe.

As I was reading about this over the course of the last few days, I wondered when Apple and Google would hold settlement meetings, because again, even though this enforcement action was against Samsung, the clear message is Apple is gunning for Google, and since Google is soon coming out with its own phone, which itself may infringe Apple's patents, the time is now to meet and attempt to negotiate cross-license or license terms. These negotiations will be difficult and long, but they must occur. You don't see GE and United Technologies suing each other in court over aircraft engine patents, do you? They cross-license each other. But Google and Apple, just because of their age and growth cannot yet be considered mature companies. It takes a while before the light comes on sometimes with companies who haven't been around long. Google and Apple will get there, but I would not expect an agreement any time soon, unless it's a limited one.

And in the meantime, Microsoft's considering its own entry into the tablet and phone market. But because Microsoft approaches most things differently from Apple, I wouldn't expect too much dithering between Apple and Big M. I think those problems were ironed out years ago.

But another thing struck me about this week's results. Not long ago, I read an article critical of Apple for having filed these suits. The reasoning behind this critique was that Steve Jobs was away from Apple for many years. The author claimed electronic technology took huge jumps during that period. He argued that Jobs may not have been aware of all the developments and may have attributed more value to Apple's patents than they were worth.

But ask Samsung. This verdict, a ban from markets and consequential redesign efforts will cost Samsung billions of dollars. And while the impact on Samsung's current product lineup may not be so severe, this lawsuit will eventually be settled, and Samsung can be expected to pay somewhere between $5-30 per unit sold or to be sold. But even a $5 royalty on all Samsung phones sold would cost Samsung tens of billions of dollars over the years. And raise the cost of Samsung devices.

Needless to say, device makers are going to be besieging Google to settle with Apple. They don't want to end up exposed like Samsung. And, depending upon their agreements, Google may face some exposure from Samsung, for instance to indemnify and hold Samsung harmless from patent infringement claims arising from operating system technology. 

So, in a few words, Apple didn't have to sue Google directly to drive Google to the settlement table. Instead, they sued a device maker who based its system on Google technology. 

Uh oh.

And that explains why Google initiated settlement discussions with Apple within a few days of the verdict. 

Home Defense, Part 3 -- The Pistol

by Ben Small

Let's get some facts straight about pistols, if you're considering one for home defense.

First, let's talk about accuracy. Face it, pistols aren't accurate much beyond seven yards. And even then, unless you've practiced often and are familiar with your gun, you're likely to tug on the trigger and flinch. If you're right-handed, a tug and flinch trigger-pull will send your bullet to the left of your target. You'll probably miss what you're shooting at all together. So where did your bullet go?

In just about every cop television show or movie, somebody's pulling a trigger. Most people think cops are good shots. Bhwhahaha! Not. In fact, most cops are lousy shots, and they shoot more often than you do. In 2008, the Rand Corporation conducted a study of New York City cop shootings, review processes and training. In doing so, they looked at, among other things, NYC cop shootings from 1998-2006, both where nobody was shooting back and where there was a gunfight. Rand Corporation NYC Cop Shooting Report On page 42 of that report they state that the average gunfight involved 11.1 shots fired, and a hit-rate of 18%. At distances of seven yards or less, the hit rate leaped to a whopping 37%.

Wow! Guess if you hear gunfire you'd be smart to duck.

Barrel length influences accuracy, as do the type of sights used and trigger pull. Of course, if it's dark and you can't see your pistol's sights -- night sights only help in low-light situations, and they glow less bright over time -- barrel length and sights won't help your aim much. And most home invasions occur at night. So you may not know where your barrel is pointing.

Snub nose revolvers, like the one pictured above, are notorious for inaccuracy, even during daylight hours. The reason: a short sight line along the barrel. The same goes for so-called pocket pistols, like the Baby Glock, the Model 26, pictured below.

NYC cops are issued Glocks with a longer barrel length, usually the Model 22, pictured below. Note the longer barrel length.

But NYC cops have an excuse for their lousy shooting. Actually, a few excuses. The standard Glock leaves the factory with a trigger pull weight between five and five and a half pounds. But this trigger pull weight is adjusted to twelve pounds before their pistols are issued. The purpose of the increase is to reduce the number of unintended discharges. But the increased trigger weight means more tugging to fire; hence, less accuracy. 

Another excuse relates to the gun-unfriendly laws of New York. There aren't many ranges, so cops don't get to practice much. Yet, most of you won't practice much either, and at least cops have their accuracy checked once in a while; they must qualify periodically. 

Sure, you can adjust your trigger weight to lighten the pull. But then if you ever have to actually shoot someone, the prosecutor and your victim's civil lawyer will both accuse you of being "trigger happy" because you installed a "hair-trigger." So, if you are going to use a pistol for home defense, your best bet is to leave trigger weight as it came from the manufacturer. Adjust trigger weight only on guns to be fired exclusively at the range.

So, do you opt for a still longer barrel, like on the Glock 34 and 17L, both shown below?

Glock 34

Glock 17L

You betcha! These are Glock's 9mm competition pistols, designed to be their most accurate. Besides, this is a home defense gun you're selecting; you're not going to carry it. And don't you want accuracy in home defense? If not, you may be shooting bystanders, your dog, or depending upon bullet and caliber chosen, your neighbor. But note: Glock barrels are treated with a formulation that can be scraped off by cleaning with a brass brush. So if you go Glock, only clean your gun with nylon brushes. And also note: Don't shoot soft lead bullets from a Glock. Glock barrels don't have the standard land and groove pattern of other pistols, and lead will clog them, resulting in less accuracy. I wonder how many NYC cops are aware of these two Glock peculiarities? So, if you're going to shoot lead bullets from a Glock, make sure your bullets are at least semi-jacketed (where the lead is covered at least partially by a copper jacket).

And since we're talking about accuracy, let's consider the choice between revolvers and semi-auto pistols. Revolvers are considered by many -- not by all gun experts -- to be slightly more accurate than semi-autos. The reason is the barrel is directly in line with the cylinder. In a semi-auto, the pistol is fed by a magazine below the chamber, and a spring in the magazine pushes the bullet up and along a ramp into the chamber. More functions to perform in which the bullet may be slightly mis-aligned. But I don't put much stock into this explanation, because most modern semi-autos have tight chambers. Rather, I think the real reason for a revolver preference among some is either reliability or just personal preference. Yes, semi-autos can jam, and a revolver will always go bang if there's a bullet in the cylinder aligned with the barrel. But revolvers can fail, too. Damage the extractor rod on the muzzle end of the cylinder or the crane, a small sprocket on the butt end of the cylinder, and see if a revolver shoots. How do you damage the crane? Try flipping the cylinder back like you see in the movies. Trust me: I did this on my grandfather's Smith & Wesson, and it cost me a bundle to fix. While a semi-auto may jam, it's easily cleared. Break the crane on your revolver, and you're done.

It's claimed a revolver requires less maintenance than a semi-auto, because there are fewer parts. But Glocks are famous for being abused, and they seem always to go bang. I've seen videos and television shows where Glocks were rusted up, tossed into sand, thrown into lakes and run over by trucks, and the pistols still chamber and fire.

Plus, semi-autos have more capacity than revolvers. Again, notice the statistic above of shots fired in a gun fight. A revolver holds five-to-seven shots, depending upon model, and reloading takes a while even with a stripper clip. A semi-auto mag holds more rounds, up to thirty-three with some Glocks.

Bottom line: Choose whatever suits you.

But grip and stance will affect your accuracy, too. The pistol that fits a spouse may not fit you. A bad grip will result in bad trigger pull. Your shots will go awry. With a semi-auto, you want to grip the pistol with two hands, with your support hand in front of your shooting hand. With a revolver, that grip will burn your hand, because hot gases will shoot out of the cylinder. With a revolver, your support hand should be underneath your firing hand.

Stance: Most range shooters and cops are taught to use either an Isosceles or a Weaver stance, sometimes, a slight modification to one of them. Both are pictured below.

Isosceles Stance

Weaver Stance

The problem is, in a real life situation like a home invasion at night, you may have to do the best you can.  There's another stance approaching more a real life scenario. Point stance. Align your finger with your eye and pull a fake trigger. One handed. That's a stance you may want to practice. Close up, it will work. Some pistols are claimed to "point" better than others. Sig Sauers for instance. You may find you shoot Sigs better in this stance than Glocks, for instance.

Notice also that in both the Isosceles and Weaver stances, you're offering a better target, full on so to speak, to the bad guy. He may be shooting back. More reasons to go to the range: Practice various stances. You may need one some time.

Caliber

During the first Obama-scare, .380s were hard to find. Seemed everybody wanted one. And if you could find one, you couldn't find ammo for it. Now, you may notice gun stores are full of them, but few people are buying them. Personally, I think .380s are mostly useless; they're back up to a back up at best. A .380 bullet may not even penetrate a heavy leather jacket. Okay, the bad guy may die of blood loss eventually, but he'll have more than enough time to kill you. 

I don't think any caliber less than a .38 Special is adequate for home defense or self-protection, unless as a back-up. The cardinal rule of a gun fight is to have a gun, yes. But in self-protection, you want more gun. But beware: Shoot a magnum round indoors in a closed room and you'll never hear again. Magnums are cannons that should only be fired outside and while wearing hearing protection. You may be deaf for an hour shooting a 9mm, a .40 S&W or even a .45 acp, but it'll likely be temporary. Shoot a magnum, and it's permanent. That's why I do not recommend a .357 magnum or a .44 magnum for home protection. If you have one, like this gorgeous Python below, use .38 Special rounds (or for the .44 magnum, the .44 Special). The rounds will work in these guns.

Be concerned about over-penetration and under-penetration. With the former, your bullets go through bad guys and people and walls behind them; with the latter, your bullets don't penetrate skin. Use hollow-point bullets, or jacketed hollow point rounds, so your bullets fragment and don't go through as many walls. Fully jacketed rounds will over-penetrate, go through your target and anybody or anything behind them, perhaps deflecting into unknown and unpredictable directions. Fully jacketed rounds are considered target or range rounds. Don't use them in your home defense gun, except at the range. 

But a non-jacketed hollow point fired out of a short barreled pistol, may clog with heavy cloth such as a winter jacket and not pass through to the bad guy's organs. The Shooting Sports and Ammunition Institute (SAAMI) has standardized bullet specifications. Manufacturers make ammo to these specs, and they also make ammo that exceeds SAAMI specs. Most manufacturers make Home Defense loads that tend to be jacketed hollow point +P rated, meaning these rounds exceed SAAMI specs by one level. +P+ rounds are scarier still, and using +P+ rounds on guns not rated for them may blow up your gun. Most pistol manufacturers state in their small print that using +P+ rounds will void their warranty. And if you use +P+ rounds on a bad guy, or if you roll you own so to speak, expect both a prosecutor and a civil lawyer to claim you were eager to kill...and overkill. 

And be aware of a peculiarity. In tests against ballistic jello formulated to match characteristics similar to the human body, a 9mm full jacketed bullet exceeded a .45 acp bullet in penetration. Again, think about where your bullet will go.

ballistic gel comparison

Man-stopping rounds are the .357 Magnum, the .40 S&W, the .45acp and larger. The 9mm, not so much. Those who like the 9mm argue capacity (number of rounds available), cheaper practice rounds and less recoil, important for follow-up shots and the flinch factor. Those who don't like 9mm rounds argue that the bad guy may not go down. They use the famous April 11, 1986 FBI disaster, when the 9mm toting Feebs were out gunned by bad guys, an instance that led to the development of the 10mm round and its offspring the .40 S&W cartridge (when the 10mm proved to be too powerful), as proof. And they've got a point. But the 9mm cartridge has a strong following, and I'm one of them. But for home defense, I use a .40 S&W; it's got a little more man-stopping oomph.

What Gun to Buy?

My first response is a shotgun, but we're talking pistols here. Damn! Somebody keep me on target.

The pistols I've referred to here mostly are Glocks. And there are some reasons for that. They work, for one, no matter what you do or don't do to them. Second, they're cheap. If you ever have to use your gun, you'll never see it again, at least not in any shape you'd want it. Cops don't treat evidence guns well. Neither do plaintiff's attorneys. Plus, Glocks come in any caliber or size you'd want. Yes, they're ugly as hell, but they work, they're cheap and a Glock is a Glock: they're damn near indestructible.

Sig Sauer P220

For feel, I love a Sig Sauer. They seem to fit a hand like a glove. And they point well. But unless you buy a plastic one -- models I happen to love -- they'll cost you about double the price of a Glock. If you want a German engineering masterpiece, albeit at a hefty price, buy a Heckler & Koch. Smith & Wesson makes numerous models, too, both in revolver and semi-auto flavors. And Springfield has a new XDm line, which is receiving rave reviews. They too offer different calibers and sizes. And, of course, the old timer, the 1911, which usually comes in either 9mm or .45 acp.

1911 by Nighthawk Custom

I choose a Glock 35, their competition model in .40 S&W, and I have mine fitted with night sights. (I also have a shotgun.)

But what you should do is choose your own pistol. Go to a gun range that offers rentals and try several. Get one that fits you and that you shoot well. And get it at least in .38 Special. Then buy some Home Defense jacketed hollow point bullets. But above all, practice, practice, practice. It's not just fun to shoot; it's an investment in your family's future.

Home Defense, Part 2 -- The Shotgun

by Ben Small

Assuming you've decided a home defense gun makes sense, what gun should you choose?

I don't think anyone argues with the notion that the best home defense weapon is a shotgun, but that begs the question. What type of shotgun, what size shell, what size ammo?

Shotgun gauges vary inversely to number progression. So the larger the gauge number, the smaller the bore. Doc Holliday carried a 10 gauge at the OK Corral, a cannon rarely seen today. For a guy as skinny as the sickly Doc, his shoulder must have been numb for days. A 12 gauge has a smaller bore diameter than a 10 gauge, and 16, 20, 28 and the .410 gauges have respective still smaller bores. The most popular shotgun gauge today remains the 12, however, anything larger than a .410 will provide ample home defense protection. While the Taurus Judge has made the .410 shell -- a round once believed to be mostly obsolete -- popular,  the .410 is generally not recommended for home defense. It's just not accurate beyond ten feet.

Choose your shotgun gauge by considering your size and age, not to mention level of comfort. The older you are, the less tolerant your shoulder will be. Any gauge other than a .410 is adequate for home defense. And choose the size of shells you're going to use bearing in mind the same considerations. Many shotguns these days will accommodate three different size shells, usually 2 1/2", 3" and 3 1/2". The latter two are often called "Magnum" and "Super Magnum" respectively. Trust me: You don't need a large shell to be effective for home defense. Stick with the smallest shell available for your shotgun's chamber.

Shotguns vary by type of feed, too. Some are single shot, some double barrel, some over-under, some semi-automatic, and my all time favorite, the pump. I highly recommend a pump shotgun for home defense. I don't think anyone doesn't understand what's behind that ominous click-clack. Pump that hummer, and you may not have to shoot.

Shotguns come in pistol-grips too, but I don't recommend one unless your name is Arnold and you were once governor of California. Anyone with osteo or rheumatoid arthritis certainly doesn't want to shoot one. I cringe even at the thought of it, but then again, such guns are usually pump actions, so the click-clack may make firing unnecessary. I've got one --  no, Ben's not a pseudonym and I've never run for office -- but I've never fired it. One ugly-scary looking beast. 

Ouch! Doesn't that look painful? Grip it tight or recoil may be a bop on the bean.

But let's assume you've determined your gauge and type of shotgun. What size ammo to use?

A slug is essentially just what you imagine: One big plug of steel or lead, usually fifty caliber. That's a lot of whammy, and will be the most painful to shoot at whatever gauge you've chosen. While slugs are good for deer or elk hunting, I don't recommend them for home defense. Besides, the only thing you're likely to hit may be your neighbor two houses over.

Before choosing your size of ammo, you need to understand why a shotgun is the best weapon for home defense: You don't need good aim. Flinch away. Because shotgun barrels -- except the Taurus Judge-style pistol -- aren't rifled, the pellets inside won't spin. So instead of a true and accurate spiral, like from a rifle or pistol barrel, the lead or steel pellets inside the shell spread. The spread will pattern outward. You can adjust the pattern spread by insertion of a muzzle-choke to squeeze your lead or steel shot any way you want, horizontal, vertical or any combination in between; but you don't need a choke. Expect about a two foot diameter spread twenty feet away without one.

Shot shells vary by size and number of BBs inside, again inversely to number progression. In other words, the larger shot shell number, the smaller the BBs and the more in number. See the following size scale:

The low number shot shells (OOO, OO, O, 1-4) are usually called "buckshot" or "buck". Consider that these are essentially 9mm bullets, which will penetrate bad guys, your walls and maybe your neighbor's, too. Again, while such rounds are good for killing deer or humans, I don't usually recommend them for home defense, unless loaded as a last resort after having already fired rounds of bird shot (shot shells 7-9). Some might disagree about using bird shot for home defense, but if the click-clack doesn't scare an intruder away, a body penetrated with up to seventy or more BBs from bird shot surely will. And close up, bird shot will devastate. Even with the Castle Doctrine -- now being considered in Florida in connection with the Trayvon Martin shooting -- your goal should be protection, not intent to kill. So for my home defense, I load my shotgun with bird shot first, buckshot last. Six rounds of escalating fire power.

The only downside to choosing a shotgun for home defense -- other than the owie-factor, of course -- is where will you keep it? Do you have children, for instance? Do you need to keep your shells separate from the gun? Do you have a safe to accommodate it? Can you access your gun and ammo, load and rack your slide in time?

I do not recommend flashlights attached to shotguns because the bad guy will see you first and your ambient night vision will be ruined. But others may disagree, and it's so tacti-cool to have one. If you just have to have one, get a bright one that strobes. As least both you and the bad guy will be blinded, and if you move as you stobe the bad guy may find drawing a bead problematic.

Click-clack, I'll be back. In Home Defense, Part 3, I'll discuss home defense pistol options.

Mercenary!

by Ben Small

Mercenaries -- guns for hire -- have existed for thousands of years, dating back at least to the ancient Romans, but a recent website, sent to me by a former SEAL interested in a mercenary career after his military service, caused me to open my eyes. Here's the website. The World's Most Powerful Armies

I suggest you take a look, and I wonder if you're as surprised as I was. Yes, I'd seen the furor over Blackwater's activities, seen the hub-bub over private contractors' work in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, frankly, I had no idea the extent to which highly-trained retired warriors are being used and funded around the world. I had no idea the business of being a well-equipped mercenary is a growth industry.

But the trend makes sense. The military training our elite warriors receive is extraordinary. The SEALs, Delta Force, Green Berets, Marines, Revolutionary guards, Legionaries, etc. all receive rigorous conditioning, are mult-weapon functional, and the weapons available to these modern warriors are highly functional and effective -- deadly. Plus, there's a world-wide weapons trade to support them. Want to buy AK-47s in bulk? They're available just about anywhere. South and Central America do a booming trade in them. Want a rile that fires an air-burst, a round that sprays shrapnel above a target? It's available. Want a computer operated rifle, one that determines range and balances load automatically? It's available. Grenades? Sure, why not. A rocket launcher? No sweat. A battle helicopter, no problemo. A nuke? Who knows...

For years, we -- and others -- have been training and utilizing these highly effective warriors and incorporating them into a military machine like no other in the world. The best equipment: ordnance, weapons and protective equipment. The best conditioning: strength, stamina, stealth and speed.

And while we train our warriors to the nth degree, in the U.S. we tend to pay them squat and run them in and out of service. Plus, we saddle our soldiers with Rules of Engagement intended to walk the wavy, gray line of political correctness, a line that changes with the need to placate whomever our actions have offended. Then, when someone alleges we've violated an enemy's honor, or "tortured" however that term is defined, we investigate and vilify those we've hardened into effective soldiers.

Under these circumstances, why wouldn't our very best and most trained warriors decide to further their pursuits elsewhere, somewhere for instance where these oppressive rules don't apply and where the pay can make them rich? They'd be foolish to do otherwise. What else are these veterans to do? What's their job market look like in other endeavors? We've conditioned these people to kill quickly, silently and effectively. That's what they do best. And if we won't let them do it the way they've been trained, if we won't pay them for the risks they incur, and if we're going to give them proctoscopic treatment whenever they come back from a mission,  and provide them no jobs, why wouldn't they look elsewhere, utilize their skills in the way they know best -- and profit from it?

And hiring mercenaries offers our government, among others, an out. You can hire someone to do what you cannot do and then claim when you learn what they've done, that you didn't know. Torture is a difficult definition, one that changes over time. Water-boarding is now torture, so is causing pain or injury or putting a prisoner under duress. Playing loud, heavy music is torture. That one's obvious. You learned it from your teenager.

But these restrictions apply to our military, not necessarily to those serving as a contractor. Distinctions tend to blur when issues arise as to who did what to whom and under what authority and where. Employment and duty records may be kept overseas or encrypted. Access to them may not be possible. And whose law governs a mercenary in foreign lands?

And there's another benefit to our government. We can claim to the American people that we're leaving a country, scaling back our military, and then hire contractors -- albeit at higher cost -- sell them weaponry, even aircraft and artillery, and bury these costs under one of our many covert accounts. Want to claim we've left Iraq? Okay, just hire contractors to replace them.

Think Haliburton.

Yes, Blackwater folded. But other similar training agencies and mercenary services popped up to replace Blackwater. Mercenary training and employment have become growth industries. Google "mercenary." You don't have to be more specific. You'll find all sorts of employment and training opportunities. As I said, a growth industry. And one that pays well.

Given this plethora of mercenary opportunities, and the growing trend of hiring them...everywhere, another natural question arises: To what degree are we fighting ourselves? In other words, a case of we train 'em, you hire 'em, for whatever, whomever, wherever. Sell them what they want and let them use it against each other, perhaps both sides funded from the same source: us.

Hamid Karsai hires these mercenaries and so do other Middle East and third world countries. It seems every petty dictator and dictator-in-training has them. And what's more, if Americans cannot satisfy international demand for them, there are plenty of third world nationals that we've trained and equipped who can.

Some may claim that mercenaries fighting mercenaries is the way battles should be fought. Not me. Mercenaries have loyalty to only one god: money. In many cases, there's no love of country or god; they'll fight for who pays them. And what happens if these highly trained warriors organize and decide to take over a country? There are certainly enough of them to do so, and they can buy the weapons they need on the open or black market.

Yes, Dick Cheney utilized mercenaries to good advantage, at least from his point of view. But Obama promised change. What change have we seen? While we've imposed ridiculous Rules of Engagement on our official troops, we've encouraged and turned the mercenary industry into a very profitable, growth endeavor. Indeed, covert operations and government lies about them are exploding like bees from a burning barrel.

Is this change we can believe in? Is anything about this trend positive? Frankly, the claims coming out of Washington are about as believable as the picture of President Obama riding in the back seat of the Chevy Volt he says he's buying. Right. Jammed in there with his Secret Service driver and agents. Comfy.

Sure. I'll believe that. Just like I believe we're out of Iraq and that Eric Holder didn't know about Fast and Furious. Like I believe that Black Panthers intimidating Ohio voters broke no federal laws. Like I believe our Southwestern borders are safer than ever.

Robert Ludlum should be alive today. His grandiose conspiracy theories don't sound so implausible now.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of hiring my own mercenary. My driver's license needs renewing, and I don't wanna wait in line. I'll equip Chuck Norris with this:

Range Day Lessons

by Ben Small

It's a good thing my neighbors can't see what I took out of my trunk today. An M4, a M1A, a Glock 34 and an XDm. For those who don't know, the first two are battle rifles, the latter two semi-auto pistols. Two of the above hold thirty rounds or more, one twenty rounds, one sixteen. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Guess you can tell: I spent the day at the range.

There's a certain exhilaration from firing a firearm, a release of tension and a dose of either immediate satisfaction or disappointment.

Sorta like a modern era third date.

And it's tiring. I've been haggard all evening, exhausted, de-hydrated and spent.

Sorta like the morning after that modern era third date.

But there are always lessons learned from a day at the range. And today was no exception. Just observe; you'd be crazy not to look around. People are firing live ammo, you know.

I noticed two things today that at first glance might appear to be unrelated. Not so. Indeed, they represent illustrations of something that writers about shooting should understand.

Let me tell you what I saw.

First, I saw an eight year old girl shooting a .22 rifle from a rest, her barrel supported on a sandbag, the butt end on her shoulder. Her target stood ten yards away, with holes all across its four foot span. The rifle, an old Winchester, a lever gun, its wood stock chipped and gouged, the bluing of its barrel only partially remaining. No rust, no butt-pad. The girl's parents stood behind her, marveling at the way she worked the smooth action, laughing when she said she aimed at the target's armpit. Occasionally, one of the parents would shoot another, more powerful rifle at the table next to her. Their guns were newer, but their setup was the same, barrel on a sandbag, butt on the shoulder. Their targets stood at fifty yards, but their aim wasn't much better than their daughter's.

At another table, a man struggled with accuracy from a brand new rifle. His fifty yard shots spaced too all over his target, the rounds key-holing. I knew his rifle; I own one similar. I knew the ammo he used.

Why couldn't these folks hit where they aimed?

Simply put, it was harmonics, torsional vibration that they'd screwed up. Their stuff wasn't working well together.

As I learned from years of working with engineers who designed complex equipment incorporated into sophisticated systems worked into products which accomplish complicated tasks, everything vibrates, even stationary objects. We just don't always recognize vibration because we can't always see it; we can't always feel it. But when the separate vibrations of components combine into a whole, the vibration of that whole is called "torsional vibration." And when that torsional vibration goes out of tune, things go wrong.

Think of the weird shaking of your car when you hit a certain speed. Go slower or faster and the vibration disappears. Sometimes that vibration can be severe. Indeed, such out of tune vibration can tear some of the components apart. In vibration terms, the out-of-tune harmonics are called "criticals." A critical occurs when something vibrates at its own frequency instead of in a harmonized blend. It shakes, rattles and rolls.

Bored yet? I'm getting to the point.

Let me tell you what each of these people did wrong.

The girl and her parents: They rested the barrel instead of the stock on sandbags. While their rifles were cared for, in no worse condition than most, her parents didn't realize that by resting a barrel on anything, they ruined the barrel's float, throwing off the rifle's harmonics and causing it to fire differently with each shot. A rifle is designed to minimize any direct link interference between the bolt, action and barrel. It's designed to spiral a balanced round straight through a perfectly round tube and out toward a target, all at thousands of feet per second.

Like how Peyton Manning fires a perfect pass to a receiver, scaled differently of course. Ever see a wobbly throw? It's hard to toss a perfect pass when one's arm is smacked during the throw. Same principle for this girl and her parents, their rifles (throwing arms in this analogy) operating at much higher pressures and speeds than any linebacker nailing poor Peyton.

And same result: no accuracy.

The other guy: Wrong bullet weight for his rifling. That's why he had no accuracy, why his target looked as if someone had thrown keys through it.

You see, the guy fired a weapon with 1:9 rifling, and the spiral couldn't stabilize the heavy bullet he used. To spiral, a heavy bullet needs a fast spin. Otherwise it wobbles -- "tumbles" in rifle parlance. And tumbling causes key-holing in targets.

Again, think of a football: the heavier the football, the more spin required to make it spiral.

A 1:9 rifling means a bullet makes one turn in nine inches. A 1:7 rifling means one turn in seven inches. So a  1:7 rifling means a faster spin.

This guy would have been better served with a lighter bullet weight. The rifle functioned properly; he just didn't mate it with the right bullet. The torsionals were off.

Of course, I could have butted in and said something to the girl, her parents and the other guy, but, well...we all know people who do that sort of thing...butt in, that is. One can usually tell when someone wants help. They say something; they scratch their heads, or they stare at you with that lost look. I got none of that. Despite no accuracy, these people were having fun.

Well, okay, I lie...maybe just a bit. During a break, the guy came over and remarked about my tight target groups. As often happens during range-break chats, we discussed our rifles. When I told him I owned a rifle similar to his, he asked what ammo it ate.

Wham, bam! I threw a perfect spiral right through his open ear hole.

Just like Peyton Manning.

And, well...I learned something, too. I learned that if I don't clean my XDm once in a while, it occasionally may not fire.

Some people are just idiots.

The Physical

by Ben Small


Having reached the ripe old age where I need a yearly physical, I find that I dread this ritual even more than a trip to the dentist's chair.

It's not the blood-letting I fear. One doesn't reach my age without learning to ignore the needle, even though my veins feel otherwise. They jump around and play hide and seek, usually resulting in frustration so intense, the needle-bearer stabs at one, hoping to get lucky. Sorta like the fisherman who can see his bass but can't get it to bite, so he ties on a treble hook and attempts to spike his fish onto the line.

You see, blood running down my arm doesn't bother me. Nor does the red tear-drop tattoo on the cheek of the needler. And I'm man enough to take lab results in stride. Good cholesterol bad, bad cholesterol worse, triglicerides -- whatever they are -- just awful.

Hell, nobody, 'cept Chester Campbell, lives forever or without pain.

So, it's not blood, the needle or lab results that cause me to dodge my yearly physical like Obama ducking budget cuts.

See, it's all about the finger. OMG, the finger.

Yes, women have their own crosses to bear, and I have no clue what indignities or pain they must endure on account of their gender and its plumbing. So I don't know what it must feel like to have my breasts squashed flat against a cold metal surface; my boobs are already flat. And I'm ignorant as to what doctor scopes or fingers a woman must endure in her goody-spot, or how those procedures must feel. That's all woman-stuff. Like child-birth. I just can't imagine what squeezing a watermelon through a keyhole must feel like.

But I know the finger. I get it each year. And every year, my doc's poker feels fatter and longer.

I realize prostate cancer is serious, that for most men it's just a matter of time, but I also know there are blood tests for that, the results of which show up in my lab reports.

So why the finger?

I have two theories on this:

a) My doc enjoys inflicting pain, likes the notion that I won't be sitting for a few days; or

b) My doc spent time in prison.

As to the first, credibility comes from the way he sticks his hand in an ice-bucket before he starts and because he uses Elmer's Glue-All instead of Vaseline. My fine legal training instructs me that these acts constitute intention to do harm.

As to the second, my doc attended Penn State, played football, and has a hand-made corbra tattoo coiled around his neck. I think these are indicators, but I don't know for sure. Every time I ask if he knows Jerry Sandusky, he cites the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments.

I'd go to a different doc, but I can't find one who will take me: I'm eligible for Medicare soon. Besides, I like that this one gives me whatever meds I want without question. Oxycotin's not addictive, is it? Or Vicodin or Percodan? My doc says, "Hey, don't worry about 'em."

So I don't. After all, he's a professional: He must know best. I get 'em by the crate. Yee haw. I saw a unicorn yesterday, and my dog speaks French.

But still, there's the finger. Always the finger.

And how do I know what he's doing back there? I can't see; no eyes in the back of my head...most times. But it worries me a bit when my doc hangs a Do Not Disturb sign on the back side of the door. And it's questionable why he thrusts and grunts during the procedure. Is this part of the physical supposed to take fifteen minutes? Can the prostate be that hard to find?

The first time he probed me, I questioned my doc's credentials. He assured me his degree came in the mail and said if I had further questions or refused to bend over, I could find another doctor. That Medicare thing again, even though at the time Medicare was years ahead for me.

I dodged my last appointment using the toothache excuse. I told his nurse assistant I wouldn't be able to bite down on the rawhide stick he gives me. She wasn't buying that excuse, claiming she had no idea what I meant, and only agreed to re-schedule when I told her the appointments overlapped and the dentist  scheduled me first. I got a lecture, but I got the reprieve.

My next scheduled appointment is this week. I doubt they'll buy the toothache or overlapping appointment excuse again, so I'm planning a car wreck. My Tahoe is ten years old and has run over a hundred forty-eight thousand miles, so I could use a new car. Granted, a car wreck alone probably won't do the trick. Cabs, you know. So, I'll strap a rock to the gas pedal, and shift gears as I exit, let the car roll into a rock at high speed. Then I'll roll around in the dust and scuff myself up before I call 911. An overnight stay for "observation" should do the trick. The appointment is for 8:00 A.M., and our local hospital doesn't release patients before 10:00.

So while I'm good this week, I'll be in the market for a new, credible excuse next week. If you have suggestions, please pass them along.

I'll do or pay most anything to avoid that probe.

Revenge of the Dentist

by Ben Small


I know why people shy away from dentists, professionally and socially. You don't want to get too close to those guys. They know pain; they inflict it.

You know the anticipatory sensations of an upcoming appointment: a slick sweat across the forehead; the stomach that just won't settle; those last few moments sitting in your car when you calculate any number of fake excuses only to realize nobody will believe you.

Face it: You're chicken, just like me. No dentists, thank you. I don't want no lolipops.

Not long ago, I reported on my ailing tooth problem, the filling which fell out and finally started throbbing on a Friday with no dentists working until Monday. I reported how I called a dentist only to discover he was skiing in Colorado, and that he suggested a temporary filling from Walgreen's until I could see him the next week.

Well, I saw him, and he scraped away the Walgreen's junk that had hardened around my teeth like some form of smooth cement, and squashed in his own temporary junk, then set me up for another appointment when he'd provide a permanent solution.

It's all about more appointments, you know, more fees to do the same thing he could have done a month ago. And no doubt, my dentist wanted me to sweat, to think about that big drill for a month or so.

I know this because during my first visit, when my dentist wasn't laughing at my predicament, he was twirling drilling irons and blood napkins like a cheerleader with a flag-draped baton and cackling like a mad Lawrence Olivier poised with a Black & Decker in a shaky hand.

Okay, so Olivier didn't cackle, just asked, "Is it safe?" Still, Olivier left me this impression, so ingrained in my throbbing jaw that every time I visit a dentist,  I look for chair-straps and a head-vice.

Well, tomorrow is the day of reckoning, and I'm busy arranging all my affairs, anticipating it may be a while -- if ever -- before I have another fear-free, clear-headed day. Post traumatic stress, you know. Yes, it's been known to happen to dental patients.

Another reason nobody likes dentists.

My sister is married to a dentist. Now, her husband has always been nice to me, but I do get an eerie feeling whenever I see him. Perhaps, it's because he always recommends a dentist whether I need one or not, then chuckles to himself each time I stare back at him.

"Painless," they say.

Right. Doc Holliday said the same thing, but instead of Novocaine, Doc used a Derringer to put his patients out of their misery. If they awoke, the pain of an aching tooth was nothing compared to a hole in the chest.

So I've developed a game-plan for tomorrow. First, I'll pop a couple Vicodin an hour before the appointment, followed by a maximum dose of Naproxin. Pain and inflammation anxiety: the tools to prevention -- maybe...

Okay, I'll add some Xanax.

Then, I'll hit the vodka bottle. Old timers used booze to null the pain of amputations. This combo -- if it doesn't kill me -- should work for an extraction, root canal, or thorough cleaning, don'cha think?

Of course, there's another advantage to this approach: If I get pulled over for DUI or pass out and go to the Emergency Room in an ambulance, that's an excuse any dentist will accept and I'll have a written record to prove it.

Or maybe this guy is really evil, and he'll check my temporary filling, tell me he's too busy, pass a cleaning pic over my pearlies, and schedule me for yet another visit, thereby ratcheting up the fear factor and the post traumatic stress for yet another period of weeks while finding another way to bill an extra appointment.

Now, I must admit, I'm not a total coward. I can take a needle. But someone poised just over my delicate facial features with a jack-hammer so big it must be held in two hands, with a whirling, buzzing blade that to my ear -- eyes, jaw and forehead too -- vibrates like a Norelco electric razor amplified so it's like I'm inside a cranked up Bose, well, the thought just terrifies me.

And meanwhile, some hairy-armed assistant that may have once been on the East German female shotputting team thirty years ago is reaching for my jaw, saying as sweetly as possible for someone with such a large Adam's Apple, "Now, open up, you."

I think of Rosa Klebb, the shoe-blade.

Then, when the procedure actually begins, and smoke rises in a white plume from my open and defenseless mouth, I think about my tongue.

My tongue. Where is it supposed to go? There's a war going on inside my mouth: shrapnel spraying, heat rising...

Did I mention the smoke?

How do I protect a tongue I can't see, touch or feel?

I panic.

And that's where the leather straps come in. I've seen them before. They leave welts, you know.

Since I didn't see straps on my first visit to this guy, I suspect he uses the Auto-Strap, a hidden robotic device that's the latest in dental office supplies. I saw an ADTA (American Dental Torture Association) catalog in the waiting room.

So tomorrow, I get strapped in and discover just how pissed my dentist really was that I called him during his vacation.

And this may be the last you hear of me...

Useful Software for Writers

by Ben Small

I confess to being a computer and software junkie. Yep, guilty as charged. I about wet myself when Apple first came out with the Apple 2, and was one of the first in line when its 2e came out. Since then, I've always had at least one computer, and currently I run four (two desktops, two laptops). And funny thing, none of these computers are Apples. The reason: I don't know anybody who uses Apple, so have no one to turn to when I need help. Yes, Microsoft is maddening, but at least I understand most of Microsoft logic by now and can cure most problems I experience. If not, I have friends who can.

And since I love computers and I write, I'm always looking for software to help me do just that. I use Microsoft Word as a word processor, but when I work on a novel, I use Write-Brain's Power Writer. I'll tell you why a bit later, since I've blogged about Power Writer before.

Recently, however, noting trends of writers preparing book trailers and posting them on their websites, Facebook and on YouTube, I started exploring easy options to allow me to do just that. Problem is, I don't know much about video technology, about video or audio formats.

And then, I stumbled upon Camtica, from Jiteco. Camtica.

Here's what attracted me to Camtica:

"Camtica enables you to create professional screen recordings, presentations, tutorials and more. You can record any desktop activity with voice, webcam and animated mouse clicks. The resulting video can be saved in various formats including AVI and WMV. 

"Why do you need Camtica?

 * To create professional screen recordings, demonstrations, presentations, screencasts, tutorials and more 

 * To generate effective videos that help you train, teach, sell and more
* To create demonstration videos for any software program

 * To show customers how to use your product
* To create on-demand interactive training, tutorials for school or college class

 * To create a set of videos answering your most frequently asked questions

 * To share your recordings on YouTube, Screencast.com and other videos sites

"Features:

 * Records entire desktop, selected rectangle region, dynamic region around mouse cursor, webcam

 * Records anything on the screen including windows, objects, menus, full screen and rectangular regions

 * Records desktop screen with audio and webcam together - personalizing your videos by including a webcam movie of yourself over your desktop at any position

 * Records video chats, Skype video calls, games, flash movies played on sites

 * Mouse highlighting spotlights the location of the cursor

 * Records video in many video file formats including AVI and WMV

 * Supports various video and audio codecs

 * Free support and advice

 * Free lifetime updates and upgrades

 * System requirements: Windows XP/2000/2003/Vista/Windows 7

"It’s easy to use as one, two, three."

Then I looked at the software controls, the so-called "ease of operation" aspects. I hate complex software, like Dramatica. Life is complex enough without having to spend countless hours learning the ins-and-outs of software I'll use occasionally. These looked simple enough. And Camtica is priced right: $9.95. {Can you believe that price? You can even get it free if you jump through a couple hoops and act immediately.} You can see screen shots of these controls at the website I've linked. 

So imagine you have some photos relating to your book's setting or topic. Or a video you want to produce. You want a trailer. Or maybe you got some good reviews, either on video or somewhere else. You want to display these. Camtica gives you simple flexibility, putting some muscle into your creative arts. Sure, you can spend thousands of dollars for complex software to do this, or hire a publicist, graphics artist and a webmaster. But why? In most cases, you'll pay these costs yourself, and if you want to create your own promotional stuff, you'll spend mucho hours in a classroom somewhere.

If you own a quality video camera -- even some smartphone cameras -- and some basic and simple editing program, you've got the tools for quality trailers, just not the software to put it all together. 

Camtica gives you that tool.

Check out Camtica. Like me, I think you'll like it.

As for the novel itself, I've used Power Writer for years, have bought more than one copy -- remember, I use four computers. Why? Because Power Writer give me tools Microsoft Word does not, the ability to create a character database, outline-as-I-go and compose screens all connected together. Plus it's got a decent thesaurus and is connectable to Power Structure, Write-Brain's structure assistance software. While this latter program sounded good, however, and indeed, I bought it, I've never used it, because PowerWriter contains enough of these features I haven't needed what Power Structure offers. And Power Writer is easy to use; it follows most of Microsoft Word's features, and when my novel is finished, I convert it to Word before transforming it into any other format I need. Power Writer

Ever forget which eyebrow bears a character's scar? Just copy and paste that description into your character database in the lower screen (expandable), and have no trouble manipulating Search commands to find it again. And Plot points of your outline are automatically grayed into your composition screen or you can enter them into your composition screen and they automatically appear in your outline. Print up either or both.

For character development, I usually turn to books, but I've also used Character Pro 5, which I understand has now been merged with Quick Story into a new software program called Character Writer. Truth be told, I haven't shelled out yet for Character Writer -- although as a software junkie I may do so someday -- because as a trait-tracker and character-depth generator, Character Pro 5 works just fine. Character Writer

My Tooth Is Killing...You

by Ben Small

Why do serious toothaches always seem to strike when no dentist is available?

It began so innocently, a bit of grit on my tongue. Probing with a pinky, I pulled out a bit of something that looked like metal. I'd gone shooting that day and wondered if somehow I'd injected a piece of torn cartridge. But I'd been shooting rifles, not pistols, and all my rifle cartridges are made of brass. Besides, I hadn't felt anything, and torn cartridges are rare, a sign of catastrophic failure -- the kind that kills people. There'd been no pool of blood in the dirt.

That was Thursday. Friday, about Noon, my tongue found a new edge on a molar. As it rolled over its ivory neighbors, savoring last vestiges of double cheeseburger, my tongue caught a snag.

Had I lost a filling? Goodness, I've only had three and all are over fifty years old. I'd forgotten I had them.

I found a magnifying mirror and opened my mouth. Perfect pearlies on the upper, the Grand Canyon on a lower.

Uh oh.

But no pain whatsoever. Nada.

So I'd worry about it later. My toofers are so good, I haven't seen a dentist in years, two states away. Gum disease? Not me. Why have a dentist when I can do whitening myself? Indeed, the only dentist I know these days is my brother in law, who's actually a periodontist, and he's three thousand miles away. He once opened my mouth, hopeful of a windfall, then closed it again with a frustrated obscenity, telling me to go away.

So I blew it off, figured I'd worry about it sometime next week...or month. What harm could it do? To my knowledge, I hadn't swallowed any of that metal. Besides, I had more important things to do. Indiana was playing arch-rival and No.1 ranked Kentucky the next day. Why worry about teeth? Kentuckians don't have any.

So, at 4 P.M. on Friday, the pain began, at first subtle as I sipped some cold pop. But then it grew. In an hour, I'd transformed from a genial giant to a raging Cujo. The pain moved from my tooth, now raised by swelling underneath, to my head. Even my eyes hurt. And a lump stood out on the side of my face.

A friend called, to make sure the game's invite was still on. I growled at him, said he'd best wear Kevlar.

Frantically, I pulled out the yellow pages, turned to the Ds. Scanned ad after ad. Discovered dentists don't work on Saturdays. Heck, most didn't work on Fridays.

I called my doctor, desperate for a pain-killer. Maybe Demerol, something strong. He'd closed up for the weekend.

Then I remembered I had some Hydrocodone somewhere. I went searching, pulling out drawers, overturning furniture like the FBI conducting a search warrant on a serial killer's residence. I found the container under a chair, covered in dust-bunnies. Two pills left, I guzzled them without water, because water's cold and cold was my enemy. Hell, even breathing sent cold shock waves through my jaw, eyes  and head.

That damn tooth.

I eyed my Culver saber, wondered if I could wedge it under my tooth and pop it out. Decided to defer. Too much collateral damage for first choice.

How could I last until Monday, when I could make an appointment? And could I get an appointment? I don't know any dentists in Tucson.

So I called a friend, asked him for the name of his dentist. Asked what he thought it would cost me to bribe that guy to come in NOW.  He gave me the name and number, then asked me how much money I have.

I snapped at him, warned him, too, to wear Kevlar.

You don't piss off Cujo.

I called the dentist, and surprise! his recorded message offered an emergency number. I dialed it. Actually got him on the phone.

About then, the Hydrocodone hit, like a blast-wave of ahhhhh. Yeah, I still felt the pain, but I no longer cared. I could cut off my arm and wave it around laughing.

Slurring my words now, I told the dentist my problem. He asked a few questions, to ensure, I guess, that I wasn't just some drunk pulling a tease, then told me he'd take care of me right away...on Monday.

Monday? 

I had no more painkillers. How would I last that long? Hell, by Monday, I'd be on a tower somewhere, shooting at anything that moved. Or I'd have turned to that saber after all.

He said my biggest worry was infection, that he'd prescribe some antibiotics.

I corrected him. No, my biggest problem was the pain.
Do not forget the pain.

The dentist laughed. He actually laughed. I wondered how funny he'd find my AR-15 stuck in his mouth.

He told me he was skiing in Colorado, wouldn't be back until Monday. I think I offered to charter a jet, but I'm not sure. The Hydrocodone, remember.

He told me I likely had both an exposed root and an infection. He said the antibiotic would handle the infection, and that I could buy some temporary filling material at the pharmacy that would cover the root. The pain would magically disappear. He'd see me Monday.

While I can't exactly remember, I think I said something about his mother around then. Temporary filling? Yeah, sure, that'll work. Y'or momma!

But it did work. And the pain disappeared, sparing the lives of many. And the Hoosiers beat No. 1 Kentucky, no teeth and all.

Cujo is at rest.

Now all I gotta worry about is how much that mother insult will cost me...

History’s 9 Most Notorious Crimes of Passion

by Ben Small

[Jay Smith, with Criminal Justice Degrees Guide, sent me this article from his site, asking if I'd like to run it on Murderous Musings.  Congrats to Jay for an excellent article. I hope we hear more from him.]

History is plagued by all types of crime, but crimes of passion, in particular, have caused a great deal of heartache and have left so many people asking "why?" Crimes of passion typically involve assault or murder and are fueled by rage, heartbreak, and revenge. Out of all the tragic crimes of passion that have happened, these nine are the most notorious.

1. Murder of Phil Hartman

   On May 28, 1998, comedian Phil Hartman was shot and killed by his wife, Brynn, who committed suicide hours after the murder. The shocking murder-suicide that left the couple’s two children orphaned stunned family and friends. The Hartmans had been married for 10 years, but Brynn was deeply troubled and the marriage was suffering because of her drug use. On the night of the murder, Brynn returned home intoxicated and got into a heated argument with Phil. He threatened to leave her if she started using drugs again. While Hartman was sleeping, Brynn shot him three times with a handgun. After the shooting, Brynn drove to a friend’s house and confessed to her crime, but he did not believe her. When they returned to Brynn’s home, her friend called the police and she went into the bedroom, where she committed suicide.

2. Dismemberment of John Wayne Bobbitt

   One of the most bizarre and unforgettable crimes of passion occurred on June 23, 1993, when Lorena Bobbitt attacked her husband and cut off approximately 2.5 cm of his penis after he allegedly raped her. According to her court testimony, Lorena left the house and threw his severed penis along the side of the highway. She realized the seriousness of the incident and called 911. Surgeons were able to reattach Bobbitt’s penis. and the jury found Lorena not guilty due to her husband’s sexual abuse — and her insanity that spurred this wild crime of passion.

3. Attempted murder of Mary Jo Buttafuoco

   The infamous love triangle between Joey Buttafuoco, his wife Mary Jo, and his mistress Amy Fisher became one of the biggest news stories of the ’90s. Joey Buttafuoco, a New York auto body shop owner, was having an affair with 17-year-old Amy Fisher, who subsequently shot his wife, Mary Jo, in the face. On May 19, 1992, Fisher, then nicknamed the "Long Island Lolita," had an accomplice take her to Joey’s house to confront the wife. Mary Jo answered the door and Amy told her that Joey was having an affair with her 16-year-old sister. When Mary Jo brushed her off and told her to leave, Amy came inside and shot her in the head. Mary Jo survived the shooting and suffered a loss of hearing in one ear and partial paralysis on one side of her face. Fisher’s jealousy turned deadly and she served seven years in prison for first-degree attempted murder. Joey served six months in jail for statutory rape.

4. Steve McNair murder

   The brutal murder of Steve McNair was a crime of passion that shocked the sports world and beyond. On July 4, 2009, McNair was shot and killed by his 20-year-old girlfriend Sahel Kazemi, who immediately turned the gun on herself. Detectives said Kazemi was struggling to make ends meet and had recently been arrested for driving under the influence. She also made comments to co-workers about ending her life. Kazemi discovered that McNair was in another extramarital relationship and she decided to take his life in revenge.

5. Arturo Gatti Murder

   On July 11, 2009, Canadian boxer Arturo Gatti was found dead in a Brazilian hotel while on vacation with his wife, Amanda, and their infant son. Amanda spent 10 hours in the hotel before realizing that her husband was dead, and her blood-stained purse strap led authorities to believe she murdered him. His widow vehemently denied the allegations and claimed Arturo committed suicide. Brazilian police let her go and ruled his death as suicide, but the Canadian government required further investigation. In 2011, private investigators reported Arturo’s death as a homicide, but no arrests have been made.

6. Lisa Nowak

   In 2007, astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested and charged with attempted kidnapping, burglary, and battery of Colleen Shipman, a woman who was involved with Nowak’s love interest. In a rage of jealousy, Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to follow Shipman from the airport and talk to her about her relationship with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, pilot of the 2006 Discovery flight. The crazed Nowak packed a wig, trench coat, pepper spray, a BB gun, knife, and garbage bags on her trip to see Shipman. A disguised Nowak followed Shipman to her car and sprayed her with a chemical. She was caught and arrested by police and was later charged with attempted first degree murder.

7. Marvin Gaye murder

   Famous singer-songwriter Marvin Gaye was killed by his father during a heated argument at his parents’ LA home. Marvin Jr. and his father, Marvin Sr., had a long history of conflicts that were worsened by the singer’s personal problems. Tension continued to grow between the two men, and Marvin Jr. began collecting guns to protect himself. On April 1, 1984, the two men got into a heated argument that quickly turned physical. The fight was broken up by Gaye’s mother, but Marvin Sr. returned with the .38 pistol that his son gave him and shot his son in the chest and fired again. Marvin Sr. killed his son in the heat of the moment and he was sentenced to five years of probation.

8. Murder of Alfred T. Elliot

   Crimes of passion became more common during the Great Depression, and the murder of Alfred T. Elliot became one of the most notable cases. Bibeau murdered Elliot because he was having an affair with Elliot’s wife and he wanted him out of the picture. What further spurred this crime of passion was the fact that Elliot was handling some of Bibeau’s finances, which could have turned detrimental if Eliott found out about their secret romance.

9. Murder of Philip Barton Key

   U.S. Congressman and Union general Daniel Sickles committed a crime of passion when he killed his wife’s lover, district attorney Philip Barton Key, son of Francis Scott Key, in 1859. Sickles shot and killed Key in Lafayette Park, which is across the street from the White House, because he was having an affair with his wife. Sickles is also famous for being the first person to use "temporary insanity" as a legal defense. Sickles’ defense told the jury that he was driven insane by his wife’s infidelities and he was later acquitted of his crime of passion.
   
   
   -- Jay Smith, Criminal Justice Degrees Guide  Criminal Justice Degrees Guide