Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Bailout for Hitmen?

By Chester Campbell

I wonder if President Obama will come up with a bailout plan for hitmen? Don't you suppose they're getting laid off as well as everybody else? The way the Dow Jones is falling off a cliff, there's probably a shortage of funds for paying hired killers.

Any day now I expect to see one standing on the corner at a busy intersection with a crudely lettered cardboard sign:

"Will Kill for Food." Or maybe, "Will Knock Off Your Old Lady for a Six-Pack."

The times are getting desperate. With all the travel cutbacks we've been hearing about, it might even be iffy for a Harvard symbologist to travel to Paris. Think what that would mean for Dan Brown. Might jeopardize any reprise of Leonardo's decoder ring. Or am I thinking about something I got out of a cereal box years ago.

With the cost of guns and ammunition going up as people rush to the dealers before the Democrats can gum up the Second Amendment, murderers may have to turn to cheaper methods for disposing of those who stand in their way. Knives are probably less expensive, but they leave all that bloody mess and DNA lying around.

Poisoning might be more tidy and cheaper, if the bad guys could pick up a little cyanide at a jeweler's. Or maybe pilfer some strychnine from a pest control outfit.

Even cheaper would be strangulation (known as "throttling" in the UK). The classic method involves a ligature or garrote. It could be a chain or rope or wire. All materials that won't break a slayer's budget. And if he's really strapped for cash, he can use his hands.

Let's face it, with the economy heading downhill like a Utah avalanche, the murder business may be falling on hard times. But mystery writers are a hardy lot. I'm sure we'll find the wherewithal to keep assassins plying their trade as usual, even if they might be forced to resort to doing it on the cheap.

But don't rule out a bailout. I saw where the auto parts industry is talking about asking for one. No telling who might be next.

If you'd like to find out how the bad guy does it in The Surest Poison, the book is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. And the guy is no piker.

1 comment:

Shango Defends said...

I have been researching the Kyle Rittenhouse case where there is a video of a struggle over a gun. Your article "Murderous Musings" details how a struggle over a gun can cause "limp wrist" producing a malfunction. Kyle had been ambushed then chased by a mob making multiple attacks even though the police are positioned in 2 BearCat vehicles within sight of everyone involved. Kyle was headed for the police when mob attacked him. The first attack came from a skinny guy running up on Kyle from behind hits Kyle with his fist to the back of Kyle's head. The second attack came from Huber's first blow using his skateboard which causes Kyle to fall down in the street. The third attack came from a large black man's flying leap kick aimed at Kyle's face as Kyle is down on the street. Kyle is able to deflect the big kicker away as two shots from the AR-15 barely misses the attacker and the big kicker hobbles off. Kyle is still on the ground and immediately the fourth attack comes again from Huber who again hits Kyle with skateboard as he grabs the AR-15 continues over Kyle[on his back] Huber pulls on the gun as he continues motion away from Kyle then "bang". Huber in this struggle pulling on the AR-15 "limp wristed" the trigger causing the gun to fire the fatal shot to Huber. I say Huber shot himself because right after this struggle the AR-15 is jammed. The fifth attack is from Grosskreutz, he sees Kyle turn gun its side so Grosskreutz knows something is wrong with the gun and decides to gamble. In split second timing under extreme life or death pressure Kyle beats the odds and miraculously corrects the malfunction. Grosskreutz moves in for the kill and Kyle literally disarms Grosskreutz. A friend pictured with Grosskreutz put it on twitter with a comment saying Grosskreutz told him his only regret was that he had not emptied his mag on Kyle. Kyle's knowledge of malfunctions and how to correct saved his life. Now this legal malfunction has this young man imprisoned for defending his life.