Writing - a Different Kind of Business

By Chester Campbell

The common wisdom is that we authors should treat writing as a business. I agree, but it requires a little shift from the normal business model. Unless Uncle Sam thinks you're "too big to fail," normal businesses face the prospect of going under if they operate in the red for too long. Most writers operate in the red most of the time.

Good old Wikipedia says of businesses that most are privately-owned and formed to earn a profit that will increase its owners' wealth and grow the business itself. The owners and operators have as one of their main objectives the receipt or generation of a financial return in exchange for work and acceptance of risk.

So where do we fit in this picture? Writers do plenty of work. Writing, researching, promoting, selling, and, of course, business management. That's right, management. Who pays the bills, keeps the books, makes the decisions on what needs to be done, negotiates over book signings, websites, and all that good stuff? And we accept the risk of the time and resources we put into the job.

We love to write, but we go into it with the objective of generating a financial return and making a profit. The fact that few of us do but still remain in business is what separates us from the "normal" company ranks.

I'd always heard that you should break even with your fourth book. Didn't happen for me. Or the fifth, shown here. Actually, I'd show a profit this year if I hadn't spent money on two conferences where I only sold enough books to pay for a couple of meals. So, like a good business owner, I'm reconsidering the best expenditure of my book income next year.

Up to this point, I've been spending not only my book income but bunches of money from other sources, like investments and retirement benefits. I don't plan to go down like Lehman Brothers, and I don't expect to get  bailed out like AIG. But it would sure be nice to see a little green at the end of he rainbow.

Maybe next year.

Hocus Pocus Blow Some Smokus

by Ben Small



Okay, it rhymes. Dumb, but it rhymes. My day is done.

And that’s a good thing. Because my head is spinning. I’m so confused. If I were a cat, my tail would flip question marks.

See, this flu thing has me flummoxed. We get it from pigs, but we’re not to call it “swine” flu. A pig might be insulted. So we’re to call it “H1N1,” whatever that means, but it’s not really that virus strain either.

We’ve never seen this flu before, and it seems to be mild, but we should all be scared of it because the media is telling the government we should be.

So what do we call it? Or should it be the "You know what?" flu?

I’d suggest “Political Correctness Flu,” but we’ve been suffering that one for years, ever since “plausible deniability” replaced “outright, bald—faced lie.” Ever since “Black” became a slur and was replaced by “African-American.” Ever since we started defining “is.”

About that African-American thing, I’ve always wondered: What about Gary Player? What is Gary, other than a really good golfer? Has poor Gary been disenfranchised? Has Gary lost his identity? Should we apologize?

So now this Irish-English-French-German-American is trying to come to terms with this flu bug. I understand “Mexico Flu” is out; we wouldn’t want our illegals to be offended.

We could call it “Bush Flu,” since it’s fun to blame W for so much, but then some Australians might take offense. And we can’t have that.

I’d consider calling this virus “The Single Parent Flu,” on account of all the single parents suffering because schools are closing, but someone might consider that tag to be anti-abortion and blow up my house.

Or is this flu part of the Economic Stimulus Plan?

Hmm... maybe I’m on to something. Contrary to most “special interest projects” (used to be “earmarks”) passed by Congress and signed into law by the Chosen One (used to be “president”), this flu program may actually stimulate the economy. Those kids tossed out of school aren’t going to sit at home. They’ll be in the mall...

Spending money, money their suddenly out-of-work parents don’t have, thereby increasing the debt broke banks need to attract more TARP (used to be “bailout’) funds, money that’s coming, or will so, from the pockets of the few people still working, breaking them broke, too.

Sigh.

And then, once everybody’s in this condition, we’ll all be healthy again. Nirvana. Cared for. Living on government income. Lean, mean, politically correct machines.

Yeah, that’ll work. Done deal.

The “Economic Stimulus Flu.”

Tomorrow Is the Fateful Day

By Chester Campbell

Before Congress in all its beneficence gave us another month to get ready for the IRS, Tax Day was March 15, the Ides of March. It brought to mind the soothsayer’s warning to Julius Caesar, “Beware the Ides of March.” That was the fateful that Brutus and his co-conspirators assassinated the Roman ruler in 44 B.C.

But, according to the Roman calendar, the Ides of April falls on the 13th. So tomorrow is simply the middle of April and the day our 1040s are to be off to the taxman. I’ve had mine ready to go for about a week, awaiting only a final K-1 form, which came by email a couple of days ago. Now I have to get my mind re-engineered from blogging to e-filing. Somehow I suspect the IRS doesn’t give a big fat rat’s.

Your friendly taxman is offering all kinds of “Last Minute Tips” on his handy website. Some of them relate to the few recent congressional giveaways that benefit the little guy (or big guy if you happen to be Ben Small). “Buy New Car, Get Tax Break” says one. Another touts a big credit for first-time homebuyers. And they advise that people who lost their jobs may (emphasis mine) get help with insurance premiums.

I wonder what the monster banks and insurance firms who got billions in bailouts put on their returns? “Gift from Uncle Sam (giver pays the tax).” When’s the last time anybody gave you a billion dollars?

I lived through the Great Depression as a kid. My father was what we now call a small businessman. He ran a tiny electrical shop, repairing burned-out motors and answering trouble calls from businesses with electrical problems. Unfortunately, he was not much of a businessman. If somebody couldn’t pay, he’d take a dozen eggs, or whatever. As a result, when things got really bad, his business just about went under.

My mother told me later how an anonymous friend left envelopes of cash that got him through. It was no government bailout, but the generosity of a compassionate acquaintance. As far as I know, he never learned the giver’s identity.

There are still plenty of decent folks around doing good deeds because they want to, not because they have to. That’s why I’m confident this current depression/recession will end in the hopefully not-too-distant future with America bouncing back better than ever. But pending that fateful day, I’d better get prepared for the one coming up tomorrow.

Happy 1040, y’all!

P.S. Tomorrow is also the day I start my blog book tour for The Surest Poison. I’ll be at the Book Roast blogsite. Drop by and say hi.

A Bailout for Hitmen?

By Chester Campbell

I wonder if President Obama will come up with a bailout plan for hitmen? Don't you suppose they're getting laid off as well as everybody else? The way the Dow Jones is falling off a cliff, there's probably a shortage of funds for paying hired killers.

Any day now I expect to see one standing on the corner at a busy intersection with a crudely lettered cardboard sign:

"Will Kill for Food." Or maybe, "Will Knock Off Your Old Lady for a Six-Pack."

The times are getting desperate. With all the travel cutbacks we've been hearing about, it might even be iffy for a Harvard symbologist to travel to Paris. Think what that would mean for Dan Brown. Might jeopardize any reprise of Leonardo's decoder ring. Or am I thinking about something I got out of a cereal box years ago.

With the cost of guns and ammunition going up as people rush to the dealers before the Democrats can gum up the Second Amendment, murderers may have to turn to cheaper methods for disposing of those who stand in their way. Knives are probably less expensive, but they leave all that bloody mess and DNA lying around.

Poisoning might be more tidy and cheaper, if the bad guys could pick up a little cyanide at a jeweler's. Or maybe pilfer some strychnine from a pest control outfit.

Even cheaper would be strangulation (known as "throttling" in the UK). The classic method involves a ligature or garrote. It could be a chain or rope or wire. All materials that won't break a slayer's budget. And if he's really strapped for cash, he can use his hands.

Let's face it, with the economy heading downhill like a Utah avalanche, the murder business may be falling on hard times. But mystery writers are a hardy lot. I'm sure we'll find the wherewithal to keep assassins plying their trade as usual, even if they might be forced to resort to doing it on the cheap.

But don't rule out a bailout. I saw where the auto parts industry is talking about asking for one. No telling who might be next.

If you'd like to find out how the bad guy does it in The Surest Poison, the book is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. And the guy is no piker.