Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I've Been Violated!




By Maxx Danielson

My life has been tough. Two months ago, my sister, brother, and I were separated from our mother and were taken to a strange place called the “pet ranch”. On our first day there, my brother disappeared, and then sissy vanished on the second. On the third, a nice couple picked me up and played with me for a long time, but then left me behind. Heartbroken and alone, I dreamed that better days lie ahead.

The next day, the lady from the couple came back and I ended up going home with her. (I overheard her tell the sales lady that her husband was out of town.) I was happy to be living in a nice home, except my adopted parents call me Maxx. Naming someone my size Maxx seems really stupid, but they insist that I was named for the protagonist Maxx Watts in my dad’s upcoming book. Even if it’s true, I still think it’s dumb. But you want to know something even dumber? My adopted niece is a big lab mix and her name is Minnie. She towers over me like the Goodyear blimp! Do you have any idea how many times Minnie and I have been laughed at because of our names? It’s humiliating!


Of course, I’d take humiliation any day over what happened next. Today, Mom and Dad dropped me off at the foo-foo center. Being four months old, I had no idea what to expect, so I greeted this apron lady with bubbly enthusiasm. All seemed fine until my parents left, and suddenly everything changed. In minutes, I was subjected to yet another bath, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, they started cutting my hair! Actually, cutting is an understatement because they shaved my privates! Clearly this is a violation, with emphasis on vile! When they finished, they dressed me in a camouflaged bandana, as though it would make me more manly. Dad and Mom laughed when they saw me, and no matter how much Dad loves me, he still calls me a foo-foo dog. (Mom disagrees, and since I’m in the middle, maybe someone can clear this up for me.)


I was really glad to get home, but my ears felt different without their hair, so I keep shaking my head. And my privates feel different, too, so I have to keep inspecting them. But worst of all, I have to drag my rear around because it feels really weird. Of course, Mom and Dad laugh at this, too, saying I look like a pull toy. I can only hope this humiliation stops in two months when I go to the vet to get tutored. Geez, there is still so much to learn!

9 comments:

Kaye Barley said...

Dear Maxx,
You have stolen my heart! Hang in there, sweetie - it's all going to be fine fine fine.

Harley the Wonder Corgi and I will be checking in ofter to see how you're faring.

Chester Campbell said...

Great post, Mark. A dog's-eye view on things is always good for a laugh.

Jean Henry Mead said...

LOL, Mark. Foo Foo Maxx is adorable and your post really brightened my day. My Australian Sheppard, Miriah, is so big that she shakes the floor behind my computer chair whenever she trots by. I'd love to have a foo foo dog to ride on her back.:)

Ben Small said...

Dear Maxx,

If they ever say they're taking you to Korea or China, bite them on the ankle and run for the hills!

Mark W. Danielson said...

Thanks for everyone's support. It's really hard looking at people's ankles all day, but if I jump high enough, I can see their knees! My favorite time is when Mom and Dad lie on the floor so I can lick their faces. That's one thing I'm REALLY good at.

As many times as Dad has been to Asia, he assures me I won't be going with him:) No way, no how.

Love, Maxx

Beth Terrell said...

Dear Maxx, my own foo foo dog, Luca, would love to meet you for a play date.

Beth

P.S. Please don't tell him he's a foo foo dog. He thinks he's a tough guy.

Mark W. Danielson said...

My humiliation continues. Today, while taking a walk around the nearby lake, I came across a BIG white dog being walked by another nice lady. He was friendly enough until he poked me a couple of times with his BIG nose. The lady explained that his toys squeek when he pushes his nose on them. I wasn't amused!

LyricLemon said...

What breed of dog is Maxx? What a cutie!

Mark W. Danielson said...

Maxx is a Bichon Poo -- half Bichon, the other Poodle. With the exception of his pink and black paws, I don't see any poodle in him. (Bichon paws are black, poodles pink.) He's a very good pup. We got lucky. :)