I call it Autumn, you call it Fall

by Carola Dunn

As I shovel(l)ed leaves off the sidewalk/pavement (it's actually just the side of the road as there are neither sidewalks nor pavements on/in my street), I pondered the difference between Autumn and Fall. Obviously Fall is accurate, as the task I was doing demonstrated, but how much more atmospheric the word Autumn is. When and why did Americans decide to call the season Fall?

The autumn view from my office window

I spend a lot of time figuring/working out the differences between English and American. Having grown up in England, lived in the US for four decades, and written books set almost all in England and in three different periods, I find it very easy to confuse the two--not so much words as phrases. In pursuit of accuracy, I look up absolutely everything I'm not sure about, both as to which side of the Atlantic it belongs and when it entered one or t'other language.

OED is a wonderful resource for this. Many years ago friends found the Compact edition on sale, bought it for me, and lugged it all the way home. For those who don't know, it's the entire 27 or so volumes packed into two--with a magnifying glass included. It weighs a ton. I consulted it so often I never needed to work out with weights. Now I have it online at the click of a mouse. Partridge's Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English is my other sine qua non.

The other day both failed me. When, I wondered, did the phrase "run circles around" someone come into use. Nothing in OED or Partridge under either circle or run. I've never had much luck with googling phrases--there are plenty of sites but they mostly explain without dating. So I moaned on Facebook. Two people suggested websites: <http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/> and <http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=helter-skelter> But best of all was to find an FB page, Phrase Finder, where you can actually ask questions.

Phrase Finder tells me "run circles around" is American. The earlier English phrase is to "run rings round," which comes from the revolting "sport" of hare coursing (now banned I hope and believe).

OED is not infallible. It has many American words and phrases, but misses a lot, too. However, the online version avoids one of the big problems of the paper original-- Online you see only the definition you specifically asked for; I used to spend far too long reading definitions that caught my eye!

Hey, I'm a writer, words are my business (and, I confess, I'm addicted to looking things up whether I need to know or not).

Trillian admiring the autumn colo(u)rs--actually she's hoping for a squirrel or two.

Visitor Season

by Ben Small



Fall marks the start of Visitor Season in Arizona, that lovely time of year when one can actually stand outside during daylight hours without wearing an air conditioned NASA suit. Which means, of course, that anybody who can trace any sort of lineage to an Arizona resident comes to visit. The family tree doesn’t have to be straight; there can be missing or mangled branches, even shoots from other trees. Try tracking oak leaves to specific trees in a forest. Last year, a girl showed up claiming to be my daughter. So what she had a DNA report? Those things can be faked, can’t they? Even the FBI makes mistakes. But Benjamina didn’t stay long. The rubber-snake-in-the-bed trick soon sent her screaming.

Didn’t even leave a forwarding address.

Friends visit, too. I’ve had folks who said they’d last seen me when I hit ‘em with a dodgeball during kindergarten recess stay for a week. Once, a guy I’d sued showed up. Said he wanted clarification of the settlement agreement’s release language. He stayed a month.

But with the pool guy my wife murdered rotting next to my neighbor’s driveway, we have to be a bit careful when visitors come to the premises. We tell ‘em that the yard adjoining ours is full of scorpions ― you know, the man-eating ones. If they’re still curious, either my wife or I will follow, and we’ll be carrying a shovel. Shovelsaurus Rex. A big old spade, heavy, with sharpened edges. When my wife and I talk three-way, the only swinging we’re doing is with Rex. Clubbing, dicing or digging: Shovelsaurus Rex has no peer.

Usually we distract our visitors by taking them somewhere else, like for instance, the Sonoran Desert Museum, Arizona’s second leading tourist attraction. But that’s been a bit on-and-off this year ever since a wild javelina strolled past the bronze ones at the museum’s entrance and bit a paying customer. Worse yet, the customer’s wife saw the javelina coming and fainted. She said later she’d heard Benny Hinn was in town and figured he’d performed a miracle. She’s still kneeling at the entrance. Meanwhile, anxious attendants are searching for the pig. Since the museum uses invisible fencing, it’s near impossible to determine what’s captured and what’s hunting.

Tombstone’s a good distraction, and it’s got special advantages. Lots of OK Corral re-enactments. So if one needs or wants to shoot somebody, there’s covering fire. Just pretend to be part of the act. Slap a few backs, spit some tobaccy, and walk away. I always wear cowboy gear to Tombstone. Boy scout motto: Be prepared.

Same with Old Tucson, just down the road from the Desert Museum. Old Tucson is a movie studio, where Tombstone, 3:10 To Yuma, and hundreds of other movies have been shot. The gun blasts there provide good cover, too, and you may get paid for shooting someone.

Need I say that Shovelsaurus Rex travels with us in the Tahoe? I wanted to strap Rex on as a hood ornament, but the wife vetoed the idea. No sense of humor at all. Instead, Rex rides on top. The Tahoe’s so big, the shovel’s only visible to bridge-jumpers.

Of course Spring is visiting season too, but Spring’s second to Fall for most folks. People from Wisconsin and Minnesota like to come in Spring, because they want to feel their feet again. But most other visitors prefer autumn, perhaps because they want their neighbors to rake their leaves.

Having visitors means a lot of work, or at least my wife says so. But I came up with a plan. We don’t exactly run a B&B; we just charge for use of the restrooms. We use a graduated scale, the more our guests drink, the more we charge for the bathroom.

Sorta Pay As You Go.

Some guys try to cheat ― you can probably guess how ― but I’ve got a fix for that. I set up robo-rattlers outside every door. They’re not snakes at all; rather, they’re little radios that play a rattling sound. I’ve got ‘em hooked into Radio Shack motion sensors. One trip outside at night, and cheaters pay up. During the day, there’s not so much a problem. As you know if you read this blog regularly, my wife wears a machete. Twirling her blade like a baton, her soft words “Not in my yard” seem to carry extra meaning.

So please come visit this Fall. Watered down margaritas are on us.

And be sure to bring dollar bills…