My own Bermuda Triangle

The scene inside my blog

This particular blog is about a mystery – which I’ll share with you. A while back, I added a tracker to my own blog. It puts little red dots over the world map and shows how I’m progressively colonising North America, the UK, bits of Europe and tiny pockets of land in Asia and Australasia. But it also has a real-time option, which tells me more about my visitors, what drew them to me and how long they spent in my company. As most writers will tell you, they welcome anything which is merely a displacement activity but gives you the impression that it’s time well spent. And this is where the mystery lies.

Forgive me now giving you a list of places but it’s part of the enigma.  In the period I’m sampling for this posting, I had 2 visits from Scotland (Airdrie and Johnstone) and 12 from England (Manchester, Preston, Keighley, Kidlington (4 visits) and London (5)). The 12 English visits were balanced by 12 from the USA (Bronson (3) and the wonderfully named Nacogdoches (2) – both in Texas, Brooklyn (New York) Hayward and San Francisco (California), Missoula and Plains (Montana), Seattle and Tampa. There were 4 from Australia (Hunters Hill and Greenwich – both in New South Wales – and 2 visits from Elwood, Victoria, which I mistook first of all for a name and wondered whether I’d ever met a Victoria Elwood. And last, but definitely not least, came people from Bombay (Maharashtra), Makati (Manila) and 4 visits from the truly exotic Minnertsga, Friesland.

OK, you say, so what? Well, to begin with, rather than being drawn there by my magnetic personality, infinite charm and quiet desperation, many came simply in search of an answer to the question ‘What makes a good novel?’ which was the title of one posting. But that’s merely an aside because it’s the 5 visitors I haven’t yet mentioned whose details hint at the central mystery.

The first came from Birmingham (UK) and stayed for a mere 26 seconds. The next was from the City of London and stayed slightly longer (42 seconds) and the third, from Riverton (Wyoming) was here for 51 seconds. If I ever meet the final two, I owe them a drink because they stayed long enough to read something. The one from Amsterdam, Noord-Holland lingered a whole 3 minutes 11 seconds but the champion came from Englewood, Colorado and wasted an enormous 6 minutes 37 seconds of his/her life in my company.

Again, so what? Well, this is where my crime writer’s curiosity comes into play.  I know the time and date the last 5 arrived, and when they left. But what about all the others? The ones in the first list? There’s no indication that any of them left.

SO THEY MUST STILL BE THERE.

But where? What are they doing? Some have been there for days. What are they eating? How are they surviving?  Are their bosses and families missing them? It’s a huge responsibility for me to know that my wit and wisdom have ensnared so many. I’ll have to start leaving plates of biscuits there and cans of some sort of beverage. And what if the influx continues? We’re all aware of the dangers of overpopulation. What if Oxfam and the Red Cross start sending food parcels and medical supplies? Can Médecins sans Frontières operate inside a blog?

Don’t get me wrong. My blog welcomes immigrants but, for their own safety they need to be led towards the more seemly locations – the jokey bits not the bits about existentialism. I don’t want them to be hi-jacked by some rogue philosopher who’s camped there and may force them to consider Aristotelian syllogisms day after day or read Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.

I must find them soon and see if they can’t be repatriated or transferred to a blog whose sanity is uncompromised, where laughter, poetry and common sense prevail. I wonder if there are any.

British Humour

Mark W. Danielson

I thought I’d end the year with a chat about British humour. (That’s how they spell it.) I love how they laugh at themselves. Hugh Grant has made a career reflecting bungling, polite characters. Their humour is sophisticated, satirical, raunchy, and silly as they poke fun at their royalty, the absurd, their class system, and the constant battles between parents and their children. Their parodies, skits, stand-up routines, theater productions, television, and big screen movies are full of silliness. TV Shows like Benny Hill, Monty Python, and Mr. Bean, found international audiences because of their universal appeal. There is nothing mean about it.

A recent web video features the Hampshire Fire Department’s “Red Sparrows”, which is a spoof on the British Air Force Red Arrows flight demonstration team. This brilliant production features a squadron of World War I bi-planes piloted by firefighters. Their marvelous aerial stunts precede several “dogfights” against German fighters. Smoke, flames, and gunfire make this compelling piece a must-see. Who else but the British could come up with such cleverly performed antics? Check it out at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_lXqMmevog

I’m not sure why American comedians must get their laughs at the expense of others. Lyne and I went to a Comedy Club a while ago and people started walking out because of the entertainer’s foul and hurtful language. If the HBO comedians were broadcast on network television, every other word would be bleeped out. If you want an idea about where we’ve gone wrong as a society, check out Mean Girls. Thankfully, we still have witty programs like The Daily Show which find humor in current events.

Perhaps the Brits’ ability to laugh at one’s self is a by-product their politeness. Take, for example, Kelly Osborne’s recent performance in television’s reality show, Dancing with the Stars. One might think that the daughter of a rock star would be totally warped, but instead, she swept the judges and audience off their feet with her ever-present smile, dedication, grace, and politeness. True, she occasionally let her guard down and spouted some four letter words, but they were always self-directed, not at others on the show.

Ride in a British cab and you’ll find a polite driver with a witty sense of humor. Do the same with a New York cabbie and your heart will be racing five minutes into your journey as they cuss and gesture while weaving through traffic. We can probably learn a few things from our friends across the pond.

What’s most interesting about British humour is its level of sophistication. Much of it involves current events so if you’re not tuned in, you won’t “get it”. It is also fast-paced, so pay attention.

Humor is found around the world, though. Japanese television airs hysterical slapstick game shows, Indian Bollywood movies are hilarious, South American game shows are raunchy, but funny, and let’s not forget the Canadian actors who have added so much to Saturday Night Live and other shows. Since most people ring in the New Year laughing, why not do the same for the other 364 days? Happy New Year everyone!