Where Is Global Warming Now...?

by Ben Small

Now there's a good mystery question.

We've been told the ice caps are melting, that glaciers are receding, that the earth's temperature is rising. Yet, the U.S. had one of its coldest years in history last year, and winter this year has been the worst we've seen in twenty-five years, or at least that's what we're being told down in the Tropics of Florida, where oranges are freezing on their trees.

Is anybody too hot out there?

I looked on the internet to see where Al Gore has been flying his private jet, because it seems wherever no-longer-poor Al goes, record blizzards or low temperatures follow him. Only thing I could determine is, he must really get around. Seems everybody is having record lows these days. And while a Global Warming conference was being held in Copenhagen, a blizzard dropped on the delegates, who of course flew in on private jets, too. Is there anyone who believes in a Higher Being who doesn't think that Higher Being was having fun with these high-falutin potentates?

Scientists are a funny group. They tell us the ice caps will melt and the seas will rise, wiping out Florida, turning NYC into a swamp, and converting most of the eastern seaboard into bone-fishing heaven. But did this happen in the Middle Ages? Scientists also tell us that tree core borings show that period on average to have been about twenty degrees warmer on a world-wide basis than now. Guess there musta been too many gas guzzlers on the road in the Middle Ages, huh?

And the scientists can't seem to agree on much of anything. I've heard various alleged supporting reasons for the alleged Global Warming: sun spots, carbon emissions, solar flares, polarity changes, rising magma -- heck, even cow farts. Yet these same scientists -- or maybe their parents -- were telling me we were entering a new Ice Age as recently as during Jimmy Carter's reign. We were urged to conserve fuel; we might need it to keep from freezing.

And I love it when politicians realize that their words ring false; they just change the words. So "Global Warming" is no longer politically correct; now we're told we should use the term "Climate Change." That's what I call "wiggle-room." They can be wrong and still say they were right. And climate does change. It got colder from the Middle Ages; the tree borings prove it. It got warmer when the Ice Age ended; the glaciers melted. So, in other words, all this stuff has happened before.

Yes, I'd like to see a cleaner environment; I'd like to see crystal clear waters, clean air, the end of droughts and floods. And I'd like to see thinner people, those who emit less methane than fatties. And don't we all know fatties cause earthquakes? I've got scientific proof of that. The guy who lives above my Florida condo -- where I'm freezing now -- weighs more than his wife. When he walks, the building shakes. She, in turn, seems to dance on air. And just look at all the fatties in Los Angeles. No wonder Los Angelinos fear The Big One.

I've got a theory: The true cause of Global Warming is politicians. All that hot air's got to raise temperatures somewhere. Did you happen to notice that this cold front started when Congress recessed? I'll bet I can find a scientist who'll say there's a correlation.

But I do get a kick out of those who try to analyze hundred year data. How many third world countries, or even first and second world countries, kept temperature data a hundred years ago? Recently, during a cold snap in Tucson, my home town, the local weather guy said we'd experienced the lowest temperature since record-keeping was begun, some eighty-five years ago. If that's true, where did scientists get their hundred year Tucson temperature data?

Meanwhile, I'll just keep cranking the thermostat up. Maybe if I crank it up far enough and open my doors, I can help create Florida Warming.