by Ben Small
Shopping for school supplies in the inner city? Why not give L'il Tommy and Susie something useful for school this year, a new kind of pencil: one without lead.
Huh? How does it write?
It doesn't. This isn't an ordinary pencil; in fact, it's not a pencil at all. It's a new form of death-bringer, an inner city defense pencil.
Ads for this defense weapon have been appearing in gun mags for some months, and until now, these ads have escaped my attention. Guess I'm slipping...
But this thing is deadly. Looks like a pencil, feels like a pencil, albeit a steel one, and operates like a ball point, with push button simplicity. It's a spring activated tempered carbon steel rod ground like a syringe needle, operated with one hand, with moving parts silver soldered, made from a high quality steel drafting tool.
And this pencil's got the cool factor nailed down. It's used by many USA agencies, most likely the ones specializing in the black arts. No doubt Dick Cheney wears one in his shirt pocket. Having problems on the school bus or subway? One quick jab to the back of your bully's neck, and he won't be troubling L'il Tommy any more.
And as we all know, puncture wounds don't bleed much. L'il Tommy won't even soil his shirt.
These babies are affordable. Only $34.95 each, with discounts for volume. Just think: Everybody in your club can have one.
I know, I know, hat pins have been used as murder weapons by little old ladies for years. But when they pull them out to deal death, their hair falls down. That means even more time in the bathroom. Now, the blue hairs have a new choice, one that won't interfere with a husband's reading time. Now L'il Mrs. Blue Hair can say, "Here let me get a pencil and write down my number," rumble around in her purse, and when Bluto bends over to see what she's writing, Whamo!
Bye, bye Bluto...
Plus there are other advantages. Coming home from a long day of dispatching bad guys, needing a Bloody Mary but the ice is clumped, a ready solution is at hand. Is there any better ice pick? You don't even have to wipe off the blood. It blends right in.
And for variety and additional fun, you can dip your pencil in a poison dart frog or curare for some extra added enjoyment. Just give your victim a nick and watch him twitch. Oh what fun!
This could be better than watching True Blood.
Every writer should have one of these. We now have a new form of response when an editor pushes too hard. What's better than a prick to a prick?