Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Confessions of a Conehead



Hi everyone. Maxx here. I’m filling in for Dad this week because he’s become rather frustrated with me. Why, you ask? Well, have you ever heard the expression, “What a pisser?” I’ve been doing a lot of that lately – inside the house. But it’s really not my fault. After all, I never asked to wear the Cone of Shame, and I’m quite sure I didn’t ask to get neutered. So if I’ve been a little lax with my restroom manners lately, it’s because it’s a lot easier to sniff the smooth floors in the house than the grass outside. I mean, come on – outside, whenever I lower my head to find the perfect spot, bang! – my stupid cone hits the ground and jams into my neck! Now that really ticks me off – just not enough to relieve myself. No, sir. So, until this doggie megaphone comes off, I’ll keep using the indoor plumbing. (Sorry, Folks.)


Now, don’t think that I’ve gone completely mad. After all, I’m only six months old, and I do use the pee pads most of the time. Frankly, I think that’s rather considerate of me. But what’s really funny is when I poop in the house. Get this – I work all day creating these presents and go to great lengths to leave them in obscure spots. So, what do you think Mom and Dad do when they find them? They bring me over there and show me – as if I didn’t know where I left them – and then tell me not to do that inside the house. Their lectures can be pretty amusing, too, considering how limited my vocabulary is. Thank goodness I know how to type! Otherwise, you’d never hear my side of this story.

I’ve been wearing the Cone of Shame for six days now, and I’m pretty sure I get it off today. If that happens, I’ll gladly start peeing and pooping outside again. Maybe not 100% of the time, but I promise I’ll make a concerted effort.

Oh, as long as I’m whining, let’s talk about my parents’ name-calling. Let me tell you, they can be pretty hurtful at times. It was bad enough when they called me "Foo-foo", but now that they’ve decided to nickname me "King Fuafuapepepupu", I can’t help but growl. How they came up with this, I’ll never know – especially since I’ve never even been to Hawaii. Just wait, Mom and Dad. One of these days I’ll grow up and then – okay, I’ll still be Foo-foo, but at least I’ll be a man! What? Neutered means I’ll never be a man? You mean I’ll always have this squeaky voice? You say the Vienna Boys Choir is hiring? Yip, yip! Who knew life would be so hard for a little pup?

10 comments:

Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

Oh, that's too funny! Loved hearing from the conehead. Cute dog...

Elizabeth
Mystery Writing is Murder

Mark W. Danielson said...

Thank you Elizabeth. My cone is off and now I'm free! I celebrated by first scratching my ears, then running around the yard and house. Loads of fun! Still, I get the sensation that something is "missing". Maxx

bevpett said...

Hi Mark

Conehead's a dream.....and sooooo articulate...

Listen up now...

How you get a doggie to ablute outside (instead of in) is: You lift up his pooh from the carpet inside and you carry it and place it in a place outside where you would prefer him to do his ablutions. Then you carry him to his pooh (outside) and you let him smell it and you say "There Maxx darling, nice Boy, you do it here next time, okay...." You do this very kindly and gently so Maxxie don't get hung-up on his potty training.

Bev, Cape Town, RSA

Mark W. Danielson said...

Thanks, Bev. Maxx was about 95% reliable prior to his becoming a conehead, but now that it's off, he's getting back to that. I just have to scratch my head wondering how such an articulate doggie could be so confused about where he's supposed to do his business. I'll be sure to explain everything to him after he wakes up from his nap. (He's exhausted after a walk around the nearby lake.)

Jean Henry Mead said...

LOL, Maxx and Mark. We went through the same process with two puppies at the same time. They weren't cone heads but I felt that I needed one before they were trained. :)

Mark W. Danielson said...

We just came back from watching the new Transformers movie. The movie was fun, and it also explained that Maxx is really a Decepticon. After we got home he turned into a little white mop on speed:) But that's what makes him fun, right?

Pat Browning said...

Mark,

I missed something. What was that thing around his neck and why was he wearing it?

Sorry -- it's been a long time since I had a puppy for a pet and all I remember is a lot of newspapers. (-:

Pat Browning

Mark W. Danielson said...

Pat, I had to wear the stupid Collar of Shame because I just got neutered. The vet said it's nothing personal -- he does it to every dog that's had surgery -- says us dogs can't be trusted. Well, I'm telling you -- wearing it was the worst week of my life! Yip, yip -- Cheerio. Maxx

Pat Browning said...

Mark,

I guess I just don't understand dog psychology.

If that collar is to keep him from pooping, shouldn't it be on the other end?

Pat Browning

Mark W. Danielson said...

Pat, veterinary collars such as the one Maxx is wearing keeps him from injuring himself after surgery. An animal's natural instinct is to lick their wound, which can rip out stitches or destroy bandages. The collar's only impact on pooping is it gets in the way when they want to smell the ground to find their perfect spot to do their business. Maxx is much happier now that it's off.