Hocus Pocus Blow Some Smokus

by Ben Small



Okay, it rhymes. Dumb, but it rhymes. My day is done.

And that’s a good thing. Because my head is spinning. I’m so confused. If I were a cat, my tail would flip question marks.

See, this flu thing has me flummoxed. We get it from pigs, but we’re not to call it “swine” flu. A pig might be insulted. So we’re to call it “H1N1,” whatever that means, but it’s not really that virus strain either.

We’ve never seen this flu before, and it seems to be mild, but we should all be scared of it because the media is telling the government we should be.

So what do we call it? Or should it be the "You know what?" flu?

I’d suggest “Political Correctness Flu,” but we’ve been suffering that one for years, ever since “plausible deniability” replaced “outright, bald—faced lie.” Ever since “Black” became a slur and was replaced by “African-American.” Ever since we started defining “is.”

About that African-American thing, I’ve always wondered: What about Gary Player? What is Gary, other than a really good golfer? Has poor Gary been disenfranchised? Has Gary lost his identity? Should we apologize?

So now this Irish-English-French-German-American is trying to come to terms with this flu bug. I understand “Mexico Flu” is out; we wouldn’t want our illegals to be offended.

We could call it “Bush Flu,” since it’s fun to blame W for so much, but then some Australians might take offense. And we can’t have that.

I’d consider calling this virus “The Single Parent Flu,” on account of all the single parents suffering because schools are closing, but someone might consider that tag to be anti-abortion and blow up my house.

Or is this flu part of the Economic Stimulus Plan?

Hmm... maybe I’m on to something. Contrary to most “special interest projects” (used to be “earmarks”) passed by Congress and signed into law by the Chosen One (used to be “president”), this flu program may actually stimulate the economy. Those kids tossed out of school aren’t going to sit at home. They’ll be in the mall...

Spending money, money their suddenly out-of-work parents don’t have, thereby increasing the debt broke banks need to attract more TARP (used to be “bailout’) funds, money that’s coming, or will so, from the pockets of the few people still working, breaking them broke, too.

Sigh.

And then, once everybody’s in this condition, we’ll all be healthy again. Nirvana. Cared for. Living on government income. Lean, mean, politically correct machines.

Yeah, that’ll work. Done deal.

The “Economic Stimulus Flu.”