by Bill Kirton
 |
| The charming but useless Matilda |
A recent
attempt to get an online answer to a very simple question saw me directed to
one of those ‘Ask Penelope’- type pages, where you’re confronted by a photo or
a ‘cute’ cartoon of a pretty, smiling woman, with a speech bubble saying ‘Hi.
Let me help you.’ Fifteen minutes and an avalanche of oaths later, I gave up
and wrote and sent the company a letter (yes, on paper, in an envelope, with a
stamp). I wasn’t asking a bank about my account but, in essence, what follows
is not too far away from the experience.
Hi,
welcome and thank you for using our helpline. Before we start, have you checked
our FAQ to see whether your question has been dealt with there?
Yes.
OK. The
recent most frequently asked questions are:
What is my current balance?
How can I transfer money from an account in Nigeria
How can I link my sick grandmother’s account to my own?
How long would I have to wait after her death to claim her
outstanding credit balance?
What is my reference number for tax purposes?
Is there another reference number I can use?
Does any
of these cover your query?
No.
OK. Can
you tell me in a few words why you are calling?
I have
lost my account’s reference number and am unable to log in.
Thanks. Am
I right in saying the query concerns your account?
Yes.
I’m sorry,
but in order to answer questions on specific accounts, we first need you to
enter your reference number.
But I
don’t have it. It’s lost.
I’m sorry,
could you repeat your question please?
I have no reference
number. I’ve lost it. I can’t log on.
Just to be
clear, do you want help with:
Logging on?
Your reference number?
Lost property?
Your current account?
Another account?
Our shareholders’ protection policies?
None of the above?
My
reference number.
OK.
Reference numbers are required for logging into your online account. Does this
answer your question?
No.
OK. Just
to be clear, do you want help with:
Logging on?
Your reference number?
Lost property?
Your current account?
Another account?
Our shareholders’ protection policies?
None of the above?
None of
the above.
OK. Would
you like to continue? Please choose one of the following options:
No. Thank you.
Yes. I need more help.
Yes. Please give me some other choices.
Yes. I want to ask a new question.
Yes. I
need more help.
OK. Please
enter your reference number.
I don’t
bloody have one!!!!! That’s the point!!!!
OK. Would
you like to continue? Please choose one of the following options:
No. Thank you.
Yes. I need more help.
Yes. Please give me some other choices.
Yes. I want to ask a new question.
Yes.
Please give me some other choices.
OK. Does
your query refer to:
The balance in your account?
Your credit rating?
Potential investments in fish-farming in the Outer Hebrides ?
How Greece
How to create an ethically sound portfolio?
How to create a real portfolio?
The advantages of being a resident of the Cayman
Islands ?
No questions asked, tax-efficient accounting?
None of the above?
None of
the above.
I’m sorry,
could you repeat your question please?
What’s the
point, dickhead?
OK, just
to be clear, to which dickhead are you referring:
The Manager?
The I.T. consultant?
The web designer?
Our chief accountant?
The Governor of the Bank of England
The Chancellor of the Exchequer?
And so on,
and so on… Who designs these things?
3 comments:
LOL, Bill. I share your frustration when it comes to automated calls. A human voice is a rarity these days.
Count me in as another victim, Bill. This is another of your posts that made me smile.
Thanks Jean and Jackie. I knew the experience would strike a chord. Faced with these soulless, infuriatingly polite constructs, I sometimes feel like a cxharacter in one of those movies where there's only a handful of survivors of some cataclysm. Laughing at them is the only relief.
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